


Just Gone

by anothermistakemade



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Depressed Simon, Depression, M/M, One-Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Ending, Sort of? - Freeform, although i have ideas for an epilogue that could provide closure, author wrote this when depressed and is using that as an excuse for not having edited, dont read this if you're sad, dr wellbelove is the unproblematic fave, he has nightmares, heartbroken baz, i didn't even reread through this bye, like very sad, posted without preview whoops, wing and tail removal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 07:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10432440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothermistakemade/pseuds/anothermistakemade
Summary: Simon's done. He's been done. It's time to make things better for him. It's time to get away.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do want to say that Simon does NOT commit suicide in this, in case you're triggered by that. There are light mentions of possible PTSD, but I'm not too familiar with it so it might not be. This is sad and I'm sorry.

He never thought he'd really do it. 

Everyone had been so helpful, so damn helpful, and he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve their smiles and their care and their love. But what was worse was the pity. He saw it in their eyes when they did magic and he watched. They all pitied him-- Baz, Penny, Dr. Wellbelove, Mitali, even Agatha, all the way from California. The ones who lived with him hovered over him constantly (Have you eaten today, Simon? Get out of bed, Simon, it's nearly noon. Simon, why don't we go out tonight? You haven't left the house this week, Simon.), and the ones who didn't badgered him via letters (How've you been doing, Simon? Simon, are you still talking to that American therapist? Your scars, Simon, how are they healing?). He knew they had a point, he hadn't really been able to shake the ghosts that haunted him from that night, but he was a burden. He weighed down everyone. They all smiled and had fun and went out, but he never did. He rained on every parade, soiled every conversation. 

But it wasn't just that anymore. It was the magic. They had it, all of them, and they used it constantly. Simon said it didn't bother him, which was a lie. He kept reaching, trying to turn on the tap that let the magic pour out of him. He never let go of Baz's hand, because every time, he was trying to force his magic into his boyfriend. 

It never worked. Nothing ever worked anymore. The universe was spinning magically around Simon, and it left him in the dust. They all moved forward, did more with their lives, forgot that night, but he didn't. He couldn't. The images kept coming back to him, images of the Humdrum fading before him, images of the Mage slumping into Baz's arms, images of Ebb's body lying motionless before him. They came to him at night, and he woke up in a cold sweat, throat raw from screaming. He'd stopped letting Baz sleep over because he'd too often kick the vampire out of his bed or wake him with his hollering. Not that Baz's banishment kept him away, he still followed Simon like a hawk. He forced the boy to eat, get out of bed, brush his teeth. Simon was an awful conversationalist nowadays, so they sat in silence, Baz just staring at him. Simon wish he knew what he was thinking. 

Removing the wings and tail was supposed to make things easier. The operation had gone without problem-- both the wings and tail were anchored just beneath Simon's skin, not even touching the boy's bones. Dr. Wellbelove simply cut them out. The recovery was when things started to really get bad. Simon was on bedrest for weeks as he healed, and the scars left over were jagged and ugly. And just like that, the last remnant of his magic was gone forever. (Well, not gone, technically. Simon kept it a secret, but he kept one of the wings under his bed as a reminder.) 

After that, Simon felt fully excluded from everyone's magickal little world. He was completely Normal. He didn't belong with mages anymore. 

The thought had been brewing in Simon's mind long before he actually did it. He had to leave. He had to get away from the magic and all the reminders that he was just normal. It wasn't that he didn't love Penny and Baz, because he did, with all his heart, but this was for his mental health. He'd be better off without magic around him. Plus, they'd all be better off without him as a burden. It was a mutually beneficial decision. 

The day before he left was the second hardest day of his life. He clung to Baz all day, giving him last kisses, last cuddles, last longing looks. Baz laughed it off, asking what Simon was on. He grew concerned once Simon started crying. He brushed it off, telling Baz that he'd just been having a rotten day and that being around Baz helped. It was the first true thing he'd said in months. 

The note he wrote was painfully simplistic. He told Penny and Baz that he loved them, and that he always would, but that he had to go. He thanked Dr. Wellbelove for giving him the normal life he deserved. He thanked Mitali for being the mother he never had. He told Agatha he was sorry, sorry that he never loved her like he should've, sorry that she had to run, sorry for everything. He asked them not to look for him, to just let him go. The note didn't even take up a full page, and it was his last words to all of them. 

Packing took two minutes, maybe less. He threw his favorite t-shirts and a good pair of jeans in a knapsack and didn't bother with anything else. Most of his clothes he'd nicked from Baz, anyway, and he couldn't take them. He couldn't carry those reminders. He took no sentimentals, no knickknacks or photos, save for one of Baz that he'd taken the night of the Leaver's Ball. He'd have to remember his only love somehow. He threw in the cash he'd saved up-- enough to rent an apartment for a while and buy clothes and toiletries. 

Stepping out of the apartment was the hardest part, because then it all became real. He stood in the doorway for what felt like hours, asking himself if he had the guts to really do it. He didn't want to, he wanted to cry and throw his arms around Baz or crawl into Penny's bed, but he couldn't. He had to do this. There was no choice anymore. 

He walked slowly down the hall, knees made of gelatin. His hands shook so much that it was nearly impossible to press the elevator button. The poor bloke stuck in there with him must've thought he was mad. (He sort of was.) 

He nodded to the night guard on duty, then left. He walked out into the brisk night air and immediately began shivering. He considered running back inside to get a jacket, but he knew he'd never have the courage to leave again. 

So, he started walking. And he didn't turn back. 

*

Penny called Baz at the crack of dawn, face streaked with tears. 

"Baz," Her voice shook so much it was nearly unintelligible. "He... he left."

"What?" Baz sounded tired and so, so naive. "Where'd he go? When's he coming back?" 

"Baz, he's... he's not coming back."

They both stayed silent for a long time, but neither hung up. 

"I'm coming over," Baz said after an eternity. 

*

Penny had heard Baz howl like that once before, when he thought Simon was dead on that night. He collapsed on the floor as he read Simon's letter, convulsing as sobs racked his body. 

"Baz," Penny said softly, offering her hand to the boy on the floor. Baz looked at her like she might bite him. The fear in his eyes reminded her of a child who'd just had a bad dream. 

Slowly, he stood. Penny embraced him, holding onto him like he was going to fly away just like Simon had. They migrated to Simon's room, Baz's arm around Penny's shoulders for support. Baz curled up on Simon's side of the bed, clutching Simon's pillow, which still smelt like him. 

He really was just gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment if you'd like an epilogue because I've got one brewing in my mind and I for one need closure
> 
> read it on my tumblr, @writersbabe


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